


We Need To Talk About Our Kids

by illune



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Chickens took down Overwatch, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Old Married Couple, Owls need love too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 04:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7829761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illune/pseuds/illune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel Reyes is very passionate about his pet owl, but Jack Morrison believes she's a spawn of the devil. Their children are making it hard not to ask for a divorce, so they solve it by the only way they see fitting: Shooting each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Need To Talk About Our Kids

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Our Second Honeymoon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7823116) by [Jellycho (Nyxokal)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyxokal/pseuds/Jellycho). 



> This also is @strkcommander and @nikolisis fault, the sweetest enablers ever.
> 
> We all love chickens and owls, apparently.

“So let me get this straight” Hana, while chewing gum in an overly exaggerated manner, gestured towards Hanzo and McCree, finally looking up from her phone. She was wearing a cyan dress with flower motifs at the bottom of the skirt, very casual for a normal day. “Jack has chickens and calls them his children?”

“That is correct, it appears Morrison is very fond of feathered farm animals” Stated as a fact, as if it should be common knowledge by everyone already, Hanzo spoke flatly.

“Hanzo and I had some birds when we were kids, right brother?” Genji, who had just joined the other three in the training center alongside Zenyatta, excitedly shook Hanzo’s shoulders for approval.

“You bought two sparrows and forgot them in my room the next day” A tinge of anger flushed Hanzo’s face, barking back at the younger Shimada.

“I took care of them for years and you didn’t ask once about them”

“Never mind then” Genji sat back down next to Zenyatta, the omnic peacefully humming, unfazed by the violence in front of them. The barrier dividing the main training ground and the bleachers shook violently once more as a flying, smoking part of what used to be a training dummy shot directly towards where Hana was sitting.

“You really can’t blame Jack, y’know. Those chicks’re adorable, Hanzo” Jesse held up his prosthetic and smiled sweetly to the older Shimada. The cowboy tried to show how small the chicken were by cupping his hand

“They’re little, fluffy bundles of joy, those chicks”

“Wait, so you two have, like, seen them? I want pics”

“Jesse also likes to partake in farm-related tasks, so Jack invites him to play with his children”

“While you and Gabe just sulk in the shadows with that damn owl, swear to god that thing’s possessed”

“Hold on, an owl? That’s kinda cool” Genji jumped up, Hana fiercely agreeing with an energetic nod.

“It looks like the devil”

A shotgun shot came awfully close to Jesse’s side of the barrier, making the cowboy trip backwards and hit his head on concrete, red serape falling over his face, hat flying off. Hanzo sighed, while Genji and Hana laughed in unison.

“You want in on this too McCree?!” Gabriel lifted his guns and spat on the ground, a faint aura of smoke still surrounding his clothes from Jack’s assault. “I can take you two motherfuckers at the same time! Come on! Keep talking shit about my Doña!”

“Gabriel Reyes stop being so dramatic” Jack took his visor off and wiped dirt from it “That owl is evil, that much is settled” Visor on again, his voice now transformed by a low droning hum “Also, watch your language around Ms. Song”

“You said she was part of the family!” Reyes snapped, fingers pressing the triggers of his shotguns. Jack, barely dodging in time, took cover behind an unscathed dummy.

“THAT WAS BEFORE YOU THREATENED TO DEEP-FRY MY BABIES” A rain of bullets from his pulse rifle had Gabriel running in an instant, trying to reload poorly while moving.

“AND I SWEAR TO GOD” Gabriel said after finally reloading, blasting the head of Jack’s cover-dummy off with a clean shot, even from afar. “THEY WILL TASTE DELICIOUS DIPPED IN RANCH PENDEJO”

A new barrage of helix rockets smoked the area. The spectators of the showdown were starting to wonder if they would ever let up when Lucio came inside through the door next to the bleachers, wearing a blindingly-bright green tank top.

“What is happening here, the whole complex keeps shaking” The young sound medic casually walked up to Hana and fist-bumped her, then did the same with Genji and McCree.

“Mom and dad are fighting again fam” Hana stood up and pointed towards the battle that was still going “They can’t settle on the custody of their kids”

“Hold up, kids?”

“Some chickens and a devil owl” Jesse was still fixing his serape, all with a bump on his head. “There was no need to scare me like that, geez”

“It’s a Bubo Africanus I believe, a fairly common breed” Hanzo pointed out casually while fidgeting with his scarf. “To be quite honest with all of you, Doña Gritos is a very sweet owl”

Nobody really expected Hanzo Shimada to bond with Gabriel Reyes’ owl.

“Right” Lucio scratched his head, confusion painted all over his face “Marriage is weird”

“Anyways, we’re going to look for Annie” Hana grabbed Lucio’s arm and started dragging him away “At this rate, mom and dad are going to kill themselves so we need them to go to sleep early”

“Tell Ana that she needs to shoot Gabe right in the ass” Jesse quickly pointed out before Hana and Lucio could leave to fetch the sniper “Knowing Jack he would just panic and piss himself so no need to shoot ‘im too”

“Ok, old man pee? gross” Hana and Lucio disappeared from the training center just as Jack tackled Reyes down to the floor and started to shake him furiously. McCree couldn’t have a wider smile if he tried.

“Should we intervene?” Hanzo was starting to get worried, not really knowing the antics of the married couple currently destroying each other.  
Gabriel had kicked Jack aside and was now threatening to choke him to death if the words adopted trash were ever spoken about his owl.

“Nah, they’re fine” McCree scurried close towards Hanzo and tried to sneak a hand through the back of his yukata “You should’ve seen them before retiring, their sexual tension was super violent” Hanzo headbutted the cowboy as he leaned in for a kiss, and the pained scream distracted the fighting lovers.

* * *

 

“Gabe, let’s just drop this” Jack barely whispered, while the neck of his jacket was being held tightly by Gabriel, faces millimeters from each other. “You hate my children and I’m scared of Doñita, that’s it, I’m tired”

“I don’t hate your chickens” Gabriel pressed his forehead against Jack’s, sighing deeply, exhausted. “Just stop being a dick to Doña, that’s all I’m asking of you Jackie”

“She almost pecked my eye out!” Gabriel couldn’t help a hearty laugh that infected Jack almost immediately. They slowly laid down on the floor, Reyes still pressing his forehead against his husband’s.

“And you know damn well I apologized for a week. Besides, your kids love to terrorize me after getting out of the showe-” Gabriel’s body jolted up, tensed, then slowly relaxed completely before becoming dead weight, resting against Jack.

“Gabe? You’re kinda heavy, and you beard itches” Jack Morrison found himself completely trapped under Gabriel’s body. Something he wasn’t totally uncomfortable nor unused to. Then, Reyes started snoring. “Gabriel Reyes are you ASLEEP?!”

From the bleaches, McCree’s signature cowboy howl caught Jack’s attention. Next to the obnoxious red serape, a petite woman in blue rested a huge sniper rifle against her shoulder. Fareeha and Angela stared from the door, confused. Genji and Hana fist-bumped the air in unison and screamed something that Jack hoped wasn’t a Buttshot. Hanzo and Lucio were quietly sneaking out, the young medic gently holding Zenyatta’s hand in order to make him follow.

“I can’t believe they were talking about birds” Mercy’s soft voice was barely audible to Jack, who was starting to have trouble breathing.

“Overwatch, the heroes of the world. Millions of people look up to us” Pharah pinched the bridge of her nose. “And our leaders shoot at each other because of chickens”

As Jack wondered if they would just stand and discuss the correct way a domestic dispute should be resolved, leaving him to suffocate slowly since his strength had been totally drained, Gabriel’s calm face soothed his thoughts. With a light nuzzle, Reyes held Jack closer to him.

‘I guess there are worse ways to go than this’ he thought, followed by ‘Gabe’s dramatism is contagious’

“Ay, Doña” Gabriel sighed, and Jack couldn’t help but lament the day they met.

**Author's Note:**

> -This is the first ever piece of work I've published, so have mercy. 
> 
> -Gabe's owl, Doña, had kids. Panic ensued.


End file.
